Reconstructing the Deconstructed Self

By Steve Beckow, Golden Age of Gaia

Transactional analysis was the start of it all, for me

Eric Berne’s ego states are particularly helpful in looking at the operation I’m doing on myself.

What Berne meant by “ego state,” I think, would be the same as what we mean by “states of consciousness.” “Ego’” here just means “I.”

If I can adapt his terms, I grew up with a bad-parent ego state dominating a wounded-child ego state.

I was perennially a wounded child arguing with its Father.

The turning point for me, I have to say, was the heart opening of March 13, 2015. Once I saw what authentic, true, higher-level love was, I knew I had to abandon the way I’d been raised and opt for entirely-different ways and means in life. The cost (the loss of this love) was now altogether too high.

This is four years later so the process has been slowly going on. Lately I’ve been able to see my constructed self so clearly that a time of rechoosing approached. I chose happiness. I chose to move from sad and mad to glad.

And where has that taken me?

It’s taken me first of all to the place of seeing these ego states. It’s taken me to re-discovering the adult ego state, the driver of the car, the self-commander.


When I stumbled upon the adult, one thing I noticed about it was that it didn’t need validation from anyone for speaking on my behalf.

My wounded child was forever seeking validation from others. My “bad” parent knew it lacked validity. But the question of validation never arises with my adult. I think this certainty around self is what the Divine Mother means by our divine authority.

I imagine it’s future work to restore my parent ego state to a state of purity and innocence. But now is for reconstructing my deconstructed self so that the wise adult is in the driver’s seat and a happy child is in the passenger’s seat.

In growth-movement years, we’d call what I’m doing “journalling.” My life is a workshop and these are all my experiments.

My object is to restore myself to the innocence and purity I saw and felt in my sight of the Self at Xenia Resort, Sept. 18, 2018.

I will know that time has arrived when love, which is universal by its very nature, flows out of me continuously.


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