By Steve Beckow, Golden Age of Gaia
I’m transfixed by another instance of inspired guidance.
I was having an imaginary conversation with a friend in which I was complaining about the pressure and stress of work.
Suddenly I “heard” a voice say: “A diamond is a lump of coal that made good under pressure.”
I know I did not say that. It would never have occurred to me.
And it set off a realization in me. I’m not sure I can put the actual realization in words. I may only be able to talk about the outcomes.
I got my personal responsibility in the matter of workload.
I got the importance of my commitment to getting done what I say I’ll do.
I got the need to proceed with full awareness or consciousness. No stumbling around here.
I got my aliveness. I got my eagerness. I got my enthusiasm.
The inspirational guidance woke me up. Which do I want to be? The lump of coal or the diamond? It’s that simple.
The realization continued to unpack over the course of the day. I saw that I needed to restrict my workload religiously. I owed it to myself and the people who depend on me.
I saw that I needed to map out the flow in each project so that I could show the people I intend to hire what it is I’m driving at, trying to do.
I saw that I needed to have a good understanding of each project’s process. The need for training, openness to new directions, keeping a record of it all – the ideas just kept coming.
I had some powerful memories return which had the effect of reminding me … well, let’s just say where my duty lay. I can’t be more specific than that. It stiffened my resolve to stop behaving like a lout and raise my self-awareness. I’ve fallen into the ivory-tower syndrome.
I need to shape up generally. That too occurred to me as a direct result of the realization.
Another way in which it unpacked itself was that I saw that I was doing something that I consider myself not very adept at doing. I was creating.
I seem to carry some deep wound over creating – some harsh criticism from Dad probably.
But it must be lifting or I wouldn’t be standing here representing myself as actively, consciously creating. I’d hide in some way, draw back, look injured. I have it wired that to openly acknowledge my creativity would also open me to wounding criticism – or worse, a lack of any interest at all.
But here I am, consciously, actively creating and acknowledging it. For me this is evidence of movement.
Tonight I also mapped out the flow of the various projects, from inception within the Michaelangelo Fund to development to momentum to stable state to independence of the Michaelangelo Fund.
The Lightworkers Congress, the Gender Equality Project – all only on paper now, but taking more and more definite shape.
After the Reval, every disbursement of funds will be a creation. I’ll be in a constant process of creation.
So why have I resisted so long seeing myself as creating? Who cares any longer? Archangel Michael, please take this one away from me. I’m finished colluding with it. I want to be free.
Now the lost skill of creating is being brought back in, putting in place yet another piece in the Humpty Dumpty man.
Inside me, there’s an awakening happening, an expansion, an emergence.
The image I have in mind is of a man bent over, who gradually straightens up and arises. The beautiful graphic above is suggestive.
These days a lot of it is guided by these strategically-placed inspirations, these instances of somebody whispering in my inner ear.
I’m becoming a person I’d never have believed I’d be ten years ago. There’s a tremendous thirst for dharma. There’s a great need for completion and harmony. There’s a strong felt need to create.
Openhearted Rebellion 
I’m there brother…
This year has been a hellish year. From the very first day, all the way to now. My mom passed away two days ago, and I’ve been going through all of the mental/emotional mud that has surfaced because of her death and my choices. I was so mad at my dad, who allowed my mom to die, because of his choices. I’ve been weeping from the depths of my soul, as all of my demons have been surfacing. I’ve faced each one so far, as of today. The waves of hurt and disgust and feeling cleansed are tsunamis for me. I’m feeling it all, and I want it all to surface, so that I can face what I’ve held onto, and finally start to love it all. And I have.
Today, I was talking to my mom, and I let her hear what I want to say at her funeral. And then I imagined what I would say to my dad, two days after the funeral, when all the dust has settled, and family have gone back to their lives. I want him to hear from me of how his lazy (physically, emotionally and spiritually), condemning, uncaring, heartless choices, while he had on a facade of a comedian and social adept (which he was neither), were such a farce. I want him to hear of how he had killed my mom, even though he claims to love her (in his limited capacity). My daughter will accompany me, as a witness to what I will say to him. And, so, today I brought out all of my anger and hurt and realizations of who he is and isn’t. No, he didn’t rape me or do some awful nefarious deed against me. In comparison to many other people’s circumstances, mine seems to be a walk in the park. But the sensitive soul that I am, and my deep meaningful heart, could not take his lack of soul, and his hurtful ways. All the while that I really believed, especially while growing up, that he was God. Seriously.
So, as I brought up all that I will be saying to my dad after my mom’s funeral, I felt all of my emotions in regards to him. I spent a good amount of time, finally saying what I really think and feel. And then I got out of bed. I felt such a sense of healing, of peace, because of what I had just done. I’m sure that I will approach my dad when the time comes, with integrity for all concerned. I just needed to say, this morning, what I was thinking and emoting. And I know that I will continue to peel back many more layers in the next few days. I welcome it all.
This morning, after the rehearsing of what I would say to my dad after the funeral, I started to have SUCH a depth of gratitude for his and my mom’s roles. I have at times, realized that they chose their roles before coming to earth, and I chose them as my parents, but after this morn’s event, I felt and understood the whole picture so much better! His lack of heart and life, as he sat in front of the tv his whole adult life, while he lived off of government doles because he was a military vet, and my Japanese mom’s blood telling her to wait on her husband hand and foot: all created a perfect storm for who their children turned out to be. We are all passionate, caring, full of integrity, wonderful people, and great parents! Responsible, honest and real thinkers. All of us kids. And we all choose to not drink, smoke or do drugs (Our dad smoked all during our childhoods, but none of us wanted to, ever). And I believe that we are this way, because of my mom’s heritage, and because of what we all subconsciously, and then consciously decided to be and not be, from watching our dad. And for the first time, I felt, in all honesty, how it all played out, like how I wanted it to before I came to this planet. To have a lazy, dispassionate father, so that I would want to passionately run in the other direction! How grateful that I felt for my dad doing his role. And my mom doing hers. How thankful that I feel! I have a debt of gratitude that I feel now. And I will be an even better person than I ever had been! “A diamond is a lump of coal that made good under pressure.” ~Indeed. I will continue to heal now, because I choose life; I choose love, and I choose to choose!
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