Angela Newberry: Losing Control

Angela

Written by Angela Newberry, The Golden Age of Gaia, February 25, 2015

Note from Brian at Golden Age of Gaia: Welcome to our editor Angela who’s stepping into the limelight with her brave and bold first article. Congrats!

I hadn’t planned on my introductory article being filled with such personal life-changing material, but here I AM. If just one person finds strength or healing through my words then I’ve successfully found my purpose.

Within the past month, l’ve found myself down a path I never considered to be a potential. Here’s some advice: never rule out potential! Potential is movement and movement takes us closer to Home.

Five years ago I ended an 8-year marriage with two children. I completed my time in a space that was no longer serving my greater purpose. Within a couple of months I found myself diving into another relationship in that great pursuit of happiness.

As with any co-creating relationship, the last five years have been filled with equal parts of smiles and tears, but I didn’t consider this to be any different from what everyone else deals with in their life.  It is what it is.

Just know, as with most of us, karma played itself out almost daily. As I gathered knowledge, I would try my best to shake the lower vibrations, but trust issues run deep within my soul.

The decision to move forward into a home of our own became an option this past Summer. I even stood in our apartment bedroom and asked, “Is this what you want?  I can’t lose another home” and he said “Yes.” (Side note: I lost my first house with my divorce.)

I see now that this was also my attempt at controlling the uncontrollable, but nobody likes potholes in the road to life.

With a list of desirables in hand, I threw it all out into the great ethers for manifestation, and within a couple of weeks we found our new home. A month later we were signing contracts and moving in. However, I didn’t realize my lack of trust through repeated questioning had done enough damage that it would cause my dreams to come crashing down around me in just eight months.

I know I’ve taken responsibility for the majority of our story, but he did his fair share of negative contributions. A lack of communication on his part is what fueled my fire most days. All I ever wanted was a relationship free of lies, and that was difficult for him.

The one thing I don’t have is a blockage in my 5th chakra, which can be good and bad. Stiff-arming him into uncomfortable conversations that resulted in a shut-down and walking out of the room wasn’t the best course of action, but hindsight will always be 20/20.

Please understand, I’m not casting the first stone. I’ve done my share of fibbing in this life and many before, but not here….not in this relationship, not Now. This was a repeated pattern in past relationships. All I wanted was to start over fresh, just feel free, and BE in love.

After receiving some long overdue energy work, I was looking forward to reaping the positive effects of the clearing. Little did I know it was too late.

A blockage at the root and the crown were confirmed which I considered prime real estate for the constant repetition of these deeply-rooted trust issues. I could just imagine this little “not gonna trust anyone” ping-pong ball being bounced back and forth between the top of my head and my butt.

He seemed to also be dealing with a release that I associated with our spiritual connection, so I let it run it’s course. Finally, I felt the need to apologize since I wasn’t feeling or acting as my normal nurturing self. This is where everything came to an abrupt stop. Ultimately I was told he was done with our family, and it just wasn’t working out for him in the happiness department.

All I ever wanted from him was communication…and, boy, did I get it!

Immediately, every dream and vision of “happily ever after” melted away. I lost control of my emotions, and am still trying to re-establish some form of normal. I don’t even know what that is anymore.

Awareness was supposed to be a place of comfort, a place where all the peaks were gone and only the flower-laden valleys remained. Not so.

I’ve dealt with the illusion of abandonment before, in my early 20’s. It almost killed me, but I pulled out of the darkness with a revamped lease on life. That situation took me 15 years to finally accept, forgive, and move forward from. It’s my awareness that allowed for the healing, and for that I’m humbled.

This awareness is also what fast-tracked me on to recovery this time. What previously took me a decade and a half to accept has only really taken a month this go-around. Am I going to break down again? Yes, but I know I will find peace again and a grander purpose is out there.

My lesson in everything: I lost Angela. See, I have a tendency towards mothering. So much so, in fact, that I lose every part of what makes me ME in the process. I get so wrapped up in taking care of the broken that I end up fractured myself.

I often would read posts about these transforming energies and see the advice for light workers to “hold onto their hats,” and would think, “Wow, I’m in such a quiet, disaster-free space…..it must REALLY stink to be those people!” Boy, was I in for a surprise.

Where I am currently is a very distinct fork in the road. Do I play it safe, lie down, and retreat back to the living situation I was in before, or do I fight and keep my house? Either option will still offer me a path of light, but aren’t we to understand the choices that encourage us to step off a ledge when no landing is in sight are those where the most growth occurs?

In all the literature I’ve soaked in over the past 4 years, faith is a common thread. Names of our Creator come and go, but this concept seems to be the hardest lesson learned. Oh that wonderful veil that we agreed to. “This won’t be so bad,” we said. “_______!” (Enter your choice of expletive here.)

So, here I am, lying on the floor with my heart-center wide open, wounded, and bleeding all over the carpet. The many moments I spent saying, “I’ll set some time aside for Source tomorrow” that never came to pass have now been scheduled for me. The one obstacle that was keeping me from finding myself has been conveniently removed.

Some more advice: Listen to your heart and never compromise the time you need to understand the greater purpose and meaning of this life. Had I followed through with my initial intentions of taking quiet time to expand my views, maybe our paths would still be aligned. Nobody ever wants to realize they are a large portion of the problem that caused a decline of an important friendship, let alone one that was supposed to last through the end of this life.

I don’t have an ultimate answer as to where I’m headed. I know if I think about toughing it out and staying within this loving home that I manifested for my family, I experience the most inner happiness.

We will be taken care of either way, but I must believe, even if it appears to be outwardly crazy….it is the unseen but strong energetic pull that will guide me all the way Home.

I’ve been told that my purpose is to help people learn to love in this time of change. Consider this my first in a long line of offerings.

Please BE in love, even when it’s hard to breathe.

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