Here I sit, in my dark room though it is daytime out. I find my emotions or lack thereof match the darkness around me quite perfectly. I feel as a robot, void of emotions, feelings and mind. I feel as if I am in a hypnotic state in this place I call home, but if I am hypnotized than the question remains: what happens when I wake up from this dull dream? Where do I go, what do I perceive that could be any more ‘real’ than this reality around me? These questions and more are what keep me inside the illusion, what keep me from thinking that there isn’t something past this life, past this existence I find myself tolerating. The only thing I find enhances this reality, is the awesome and profound substance that I and many others call the sweet leaf.

When drawing upon the cold metal device that delivers this seeming miracle to me, I feel as if I am a different person. I feel weightless, happy, like there are no troubles in this world I find myself in. I feel as if there is something past this dull existence, past these concrete walls of ‘reality’ that never seem to give way to anything better, until I draw upon the sweet leaf. I feel as if I am in a familiar heaven of sorts, as if I have been to this place before quite frequently though I can only remember this place through the influence of the leaf. Why is this, I continue to find myself asking, why can I only feel this wonderful place through the influence of this herb? If I find myself without possession of this plant, I find myself without the means to reach the euphoric reality I have been enjoying. Is there not another way to get to this other place? Is there not another way to break the barriers of physicality, and discover something I already feel exists? Or is the effect of the leaf all in my head? Am I not perceiving a totally new reality as I feel I am, and instead just imagining something I truly wish existed past this life?

As time goes on, I find myself maturing spiritually. I discover many truths about the state of the world I live on, and I discover many things that most ‘regular’ people would scoff at. Though I believe the things I learn that others would think me crazy for. I feel that these things are real in the core of my very being. I feel the existence of a part of me that is not based in physicality. I feel that there is more to Life than this physical reality, that there is more to me than this body I find myself in. I slowly begin to discover other realities existing side by side with my own, and in these realities I am limitless. I am able to do whatever I want, travel where ever I want, physicality ceases to put up barriers in these realms. I feel in the very core of my being that these realms are the true reality, and that physical reality is actually the dream. While awake Living in the ‘real’ world, I feel as if I am dreaming and when slumbering away in my bed at night, the lands I find myself traversing make me feel as if I am truly awake. It simply makes sense to me that a beautiful realm in which one can create anything with just a thought would be the true Home and Creator of the dense reality I experience in the waking world.

Many years pass as my body ages. Though my body has aged, I feel like a vibrant young soul who truly has no limits. This is because of my travel in what others like me refer to as the ‘astral’ lands when asleep, and because of my meditation and other spiritually grounded practices. I become aware of the cosmic cycle of growth on this planet, and I become aware that it is coming to a quick end and with this end of the cycle will come my ascension back to the lands I have always felt are home, though I have only been able to access them at night. I happily continue in my spiritual disciplines and my meditation in preparation for my personal ascension. I begin to feel myself advance spiritually more as time goes on and seems to speed up. I feel like more of a Heavenly being than I ever have. I begin to develop telepathy abilities upon discovering contact with the souls I have come to know as my spiritual guides. And all this I am doing without the influence of the leaf. Oh yes, the leaf. After so long away from its influence, I suddenly find myself thinking about it once again. It has been so very long since I partook and I am proud to realize I have discovered many concrete ways to get to this Heavenly land I had missed so greatly without having to use the leaf at all. In my youth I was quite obsessed with reaching these Heavenly lands I now perceive constantly, and the leaf seemed to be the only way to do so in a euphoric and grounded way.

I begin to realize how much the sweet leaf had helped me become aware of my own spirituality back in my youth, and I wonder if I had never discovered it, if I would still be the divine soul I am today. I find myself remembering many of the wonderful times I had with the leaf, and how greatly it aided me. I begin to wonder how greatly it would aid me now that I have advanced so much. I had for so long in my youth considered the leaf a bit of a ‘psychic vitamin’ and I now found myself wondering if it would help me along my spiritual journey now as it did in my youth. It is a burning question that I feel needs to be answered, and I begin to find myself lusting over the herb as I did so much in my youth.

Finally, after so long of this wonder controlling my being, I happen upon the leaf. I find somebody who is in possession of the leaf and willing to sell it to me. Upon purchasing the familiar clear plastic bag, a familiar yet depressing energy washes over me. A feeling of sameness. A dense feeling that I hadn’t felt since my youth when I had trouble accessing the Heavenly lands I now thrive off of. While I immediately notice the feeling, I write it off and continue in my purchase of the herb. I also buy from this gentlemen a bubbling instrument in which to receive the herb, as having not partook in so long I otherwise would have found myself with no way to consume the leaf.

As hard as I try to ignore the depressing feeling, it continues to creep up on me as I make the long drive home. It is cold and rainy out, with the dull grey clouds blocking any chance of sunlight or blue sky. The roads are muddy and the atmosphere is murky, and this is the kind of weather that makes me feel void of spirit. I feel the familiar energies of frustration and angst creeping up on me, and I cannot figure out why these feelings are all over me and why the day outside is so depressing, when just yesterday it was beautiful and uplifting. I feel a familiar energy attempting to consume me, an energy I was very consumed with in my youth. I continue to wonder why I am feeling this way, and why the outside world which I have come to learn is the outward manifestation of how I feel inside, was matching my depressiveness so much when I usually feel golden. Despite these feelings building up inside me, I do my best to ignore them as I continue my journey home.

After getting home and eating my dinner that consisted of plastic-seeming meat and canned vegetables I feel that now is as good a time as ever to re-experiment with the leaf I admired so much, so many years ago. I pull the plastic bag out of my pocket and pour its contents on to the tray I have sitting on my lap. Much of the leaf is budded up, so after ‘powdering’ it a bit I find it in good enough condition to be consumed. Having already poured water in the smoking device, I begin to load the leaf into it. Again, as I do this I am feeling a downtrodden energy, a familiar yet unnerving energy that I hadn’t felt in decades. At this point, the sweet leaf is all I can relate this feeling to. So far, I had only felt this energy when dealing with the leaf, which makes little sense to me as when I was younger I would feel such an energy of excitement when I was about to consume the herb. Still trying to ignore this feeling, I fill the device up to the brim and ready myself to receive the sweet leaf after decades without it. Many feelings and wonders swirl up inside me as I ready myself for the first inhalation. I fill the instrument up with the haze of the leaf, and let all of the smoke pour into my throat. This is something I am not ready for. An intense pain and need to cough pierces my throat, and I burst the smoke out of my mouth in a fit of coughing and gasping for breath.

After what seems like an hour of coughing, I am able to calm myself.  I sit back and let myself feel the sweet leaf, but something is missing. Something is different. The leaf doesn’t quite feel the way it used to. I feel the familiar perceived head rush I used to associate with the leaf and its ingestion, and I feel the familiar attempted euphoric feeling the leaf used to daily give me in my youth. But it isn’t so euphoric anymore. I feel as if I am somewhere different from physical reality, but I am now realizing that different doesn’t always mean better. Through my astral travels I am able to recognize the difference between higher and lower astral planes, and the leaf is making me feel as if I am traversing a lower plane. There is still otherwise non-physical activity occurring in me, but this activity doesn’t feel of a Divine nature as my meditations do. The leaf simply feels different. After consuming the whole of what I had put into the instrument, I still find myself with a lot of this herb. I didn’t quite realize that I didn’t need to purchase as much as I did, but alas I did and now find myself with quite a bit. Though the herb feels different and strange now, I decide to keep it around as there is something about it I still identify with, there is a component of this herb that feels familiar and comfortable.

The next few evenings find me using this herb many times. I remember in my youth how much I would partake of this herb almost on a daily basis, and it begins to seem as if I am now repeating this regime of daily herb ingestion. While it feels much less euphoric than my meditations, there is still something about it that seems comfortable. Soon I start to center my Life around using this herb. I begin looking forward to it in the evenings so much that whatever I do during the day just doesn’t seem as good as it used to. I begin slacking in my spiritual disciplines and find myself meditating less and less. Slowly, my sober outlook on a Life I have Loved begins to get bleak. I find that nothing really seems to be as good as when I am under the leaf’s influence. I find it harder to reach the astral planes during my waking Life, unless under the influence of the leaf. I find that the evenings are very wonderful as I am enjoying the influence of the leaf, but the days that I am not seem dull and depressing. I start to realize a familiar pattern. When I was in my youth I found I was only happy if under the influence of this so-called ‘sweet’ leaf, and when I wasn’t Life seemed as dull and depressing as it now does again. I remember my personal ascension that is well underway, but somehow it seems to matter little in the face of my seeming addiction to the leaf.

Finally, one evening reality hits me. I go to my secret stash of the leaf to find that I only have enough of it to fill my instrument once more. I now stand at a critical juncture. Do I put an end to this experiment-turned-addiction, or do I find a way to please my addiction further? Before ingesting the last bit of the leaf I had, my answer was clear in my head: after, and only after this last inhalation, I am going to once and for all give this stuff up as it clearly has been more hurtful to my spiritual growth then helpful. While it did seem to help me greatly in my youth, I now find that I have grown out of its influence and it has served to stall my growth. This is what I think before that last inhalation. After the inhalation, the thoughts flood my mind: I need to get some more of this stuff, this stuff is the best. Hey, I have plenty of money. I can get some to last me a little bit longer. I think I will. After all, what would I do if I didn’t have this leaf to come home to and make things a little bit better? I realize the absurdity behind these thoughts as I am having them, but nevertheless I give into them and pick up the phone to call the person who had sold me the leaf before.

He tells me he has quit selling it. He has quit using it, and he is now leading a clean Life that he says was difficult to Live at first but that is now so very enjoyable for him. He tells me of the insights he has received pertaining to this subject and his own Life, how he felt as if Life was not worth Living unless he had a crutch to lean on, something to take his mind far away from the consensus reality he was taking part in. I realize how his story relates to me, in that I had once again begun using the leaf on a daily basis because I felt as if Life was un-livable otherwise. And then, as I am thinking of all this it hits me: I was already Living a joyus Life without the influence of the leaf! Without the influence of the herb, I was thriving and Living spiritually a Life that I Loved so very dearly, a Life that seemed to fade away when I began giving myself to the herb on a daily basis. I finally realize that I never needed the herb to ‘assist’ me in my spiritual awakening as I was already doing just fine! I was discovering so many Divine lands and realms, all without the influence of the leaf in the slightest. After this enlightening conversation with the very soul who sold me the leaf, I truly realized that the sweet leaf is completely unnecessary to my spiritual growth and can actually stall said growth.

There was a time in my Life in which I felt as if I needed the herb, because my own spiritual Light was as dim as the familiar dark room I boxed myself inside of as a youth. The sweet leaf introduced me to my spirituality, but was only a small part of my awakening that I since had outgrown to the point that the leaf actually takes me backward in my spiritual growth. So here I now sit, with my back straight in my meditation den which is really my outside patio. It is a beautiful sunny day, and the sunshine is flowing through into this room as I meditate and feel the wonderful Harmonious energies going up my spine. I am a Divine spiritual being. I require no physical substance to aid in my awakening, because I am awakening more and more every day, every moment. I have, for the most part transcended physicality with the help of my spiritual guides whom I found out were with me every step of my difficult experience with the dimming leaf later in Life. I am an ascending being upon the Earth sphere, and having transcended and transmuted most of the lower ways of Living on Earth I am ready to ascend and move on to the next level, the next challenge that I will be waiting with open arms to receive. I wouldn’t have it any other way.