By Brandy, Openhearted Rebellion. Edited by Wes

Since preschool, I remember having issues with my handwriting. I can remember sitting in the hallway as my teachers discussed my poor penmanship. Looking back at old worksheets, I see a few backwards letters and chicken scratch. Even today, when writing something by hand I find myself adding unnecessary letters.

As I got older, the adults around me began to discuss my spelling and grammar. I can remember being pulled to the side by teachers to address this problem. Sometimes I was met with understanding; other times, with vitriol.

Adding to all this dysfunction is a fun but disorientating little auto corrector living in my head. Nobody could really tell because I’m an okay reader, but I’ll queue you in:

Take for example the word “question”. You might read that word normally, whereas my brain might change it to “confusion”. You can apply this same dysfunctional principle to words like “laminating” and “lamenting”. These examples may seem random, but it can really be that radical. There are times when words make sense to me and times they really don’t. 

Though I have my suspicions, I couldn’t tell you for sure the cause of any of this. I can tell you that it led to many nights of extra writing practice. While other kids got to play, I had to write. The result? I had poor grades, felt left behind, and had to abandon many creative writing stories.

Writing physically hurts.

It doesn’t help that writing physically hurts.

When I was finally able to get real help in school, it was short-lived. A couple weeks in, a teacher decided my poor penmanship was just an excuse to skip her class – even though I was leaving class to get help with my writing. In what amounts to a total failure of the educational system, and what should be an embarrassment for that teacher; I stopped getting the help I needed for fear of reprisal.

All this combined likely gave me poor self-esteem regarding my writing.

Thankfully, computers became a godsend as I got into middle school. At the same time the PC became a more commonly used writing machine, I became interested in tracing photos (while bored at school) which naturally led to better coordination. I still struggled with spelling and grammar, but the trusty ol’ red and blue squiggles were ever helpful with that.

Things changed a little more in high school. At one point, I had the opportunity to impress some of my teachers with my thoughts, opinions and style of writing. I can  remember a teacher telling me that although she disagreed with my opinion on a particular subject, she thought I made a compelling and well-worded argument. That meant a lot to me.

Despite her praise, I never felt like writing was in the cards for me. Looking back, I find that unfortunate because a modicum of writing skill does live within me, waiting to be brought to the surface.

My thoughts often flow better on paper than in spoken word. I find it easier to write, with plenty of time to let the words come to me, than to speak or improvise on the spot. Having a child with similar handwriting struggles, I want him not to feel held back nor to assume he can’t handle the implicit challenge of writing.

I’m ready to give this a try.

With that said, I’m ready to give this a try.

I express sympathy to you, dear reader, for putting up with writings which may not follow all the conventional rules or may be hard to read at times. Maybe, just maybe, the universe is giving me the opportunity to impress you with my words. 💜