Asking for Help is an Opportunity for Growth

By Marquita Herald, Emotionally Resilient Living

Do you hesitate (or avoid at all cost) asking for help? If so, you are in good company.

I must admit that I’ve been guilty of this in the past. I’ve always been far more comfortable offering my hand than accepting that of another.

In fact, regardless of the problem, and believe me, there have been a few pips, I rarely told anyone what I was going through at the time or asked for help because, like many others, I was raised to believe that being strong meant being self-reliant.

Last week I learned a priceless lesson about strength and just how much courage it takes to ask for help, and I’ll share that with you a little later.

First, let’s take a moment to go through the customary exercise of defining what help is. Help is making it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services, knowledge or resources. The challenge is that in order to get the help you actually have to ask for it.

Ah, and there we have it, the issue in the proverbial nutshell.

When we have a problem, asking for help sounds like the obvious solution. However, there is a tendency to struggle alone rather than admit we need help and risk feelings of vulnerability and weakness. Then there is the fear … of rejection, of embarrassment or being a burden.

Also, many of us were raised to believe that we should be able to handle our own problems and that, whatever those problems may be, they should remain within the home and not shared with “outsiders.” This was certainly the case for me growing up.

While these are all compelling excuses to avoid admitting we need help, what we fail to realize is that, rather than an indication of weakness, it is actually a sign of courage to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.

Note to self … it does not make me weak to ask for help, or to admit that I am not in a good place at the moment … it takes courage to be real and vulnerable.

What I’ve Learned About Asking for Help

I’ve lived most of my life in Hawaii, but a recent change in living circumstances has resulted in the decision to move back to the mainland at the end of this month. It’s a big change, but it’s been an amazing journey with lots of great memories, so I’m okay with the move, except for one challenge. A loveable 8-year-old, pug-nosed pup named Lucy.

It’s that thing about the “pug nose” that has come to dominate my days and keep me awake at night. At 19-lbs Lucy is just a little too big to be allowed in the main cabin on the plane, and the airline industry has banned brachycephalic (short nosed) breeds from cargo transport due to health risks.

I adopted her when she was 6-weeks old, and we’ve been through a lot together over the years, including her successful recovery from cancer surgery, so leaving her behind is unthinkable.

Long story short, at this point the only remaining option is using a private pet relocation service, and the price tag on that is steep.

Setting up a fundraiser to ask for help covering her transportation is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because it meant having to admit I couldn’t do it all myself. I was embarrassed because there are so many worthwhile causes out there, and yet I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. So up it went with no idea what to expect.

Within 24 hours the donations amounted to over $600! That was amazing in itself, but what has really touched me is all of the good wishes and prayers I’ve received, many from complete strangers.

We still have a mountain to climb to cover her relocation, but it’s an amazing feeling knowing that so many people really do understand and are supporting my efforts to keep us together.

What I’ve come to understand through this experience is that when you muster the courage to ask for help and become comfortable with your own vulnerability, you can’t help but grow as a person.

If you don’t ask, the answer is already no. Click To Tweet

How to Become More Comfortable Asking for Help

If you struggle with asking for help, the only way to become more comfortable is to actually do it. Start with small, seemingly inconsequential things. and you can use these to practice building your comfort level.

Make a list of a few things you could use some help with. At work, it could be learning new software, using a particular piece of equipment, help with a project or simply dropping something off in another department. At home, it might be particular errands, the laundry, some cooking, walking the dog, or changing a light bulb.

If you’re not used to asking for help, the best way to start is by choosing the right person to trust. Create a list of friends, family, and colleagues who have the ability to help, especially those who have offered their help in the past.

Pick just one thing off your list and contact one of the people you’ve chosen. Be clear and direct. Instead of saying, “If wish I knew someone who could walk my dog,” and hoping they’ll get it, ask outright: “I need help. Can you walk my dog for me today? I’m not well enough to go out.”

Don’t make assumptions. If you make your request by leaving a message, sending a text or an email, and you don’t receive a response right away, don’t assume you’re being ignored or turned down. There could be many reasons for the delay, so give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

If you do get a “no” accept with grace and muster the courage to try again. It’s tempting to think that you’re placing a burden on others by asking for help, but chances are if they asked you, you would help if you were in a position to do so.

Make people feel good about helping and give them space to be kind and helpful. If you’re uncomfortable, they’re uncomfortable. Believe in what you ask for and let them know how much their help means to you.

Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. ~Author Unknown

It might be difficult in the beginning, but the more you practice, the less difficult it will be to ask. Try to remember that everyone needs help at one time or another. Perhaps by having the courage to ask for help, you will help someone else have the courage to ask for help as well.

What’s your story? Do you or someone you know find it difficult to ask for help? Why do you think it’s hard to ask?

Let today be the day you give up who you’ve been for who you can become.

About Marquita Herald

Marquita is an author, resilience coach and the chief evangelist at Emotionally Resilient Living. She’s also an unapologetic workaholic who loves red wine, rock n’ roll, road trips (and car dancing!), peanut butter cookies and (especially) a dog named Lucy.